Inadequacies

Don't let me fool you into thinking I've got it all together. I might act like I do, but I most certainly do not.

Take for example this upcoming Father and Son Night in my son's school. Such a big hullaballo. I've known about it for years, and I always thought that I'd go anyway, be the one of the few women at the campfire (I know a few other single moms in the batch), maybe even knock over a few beers, and show those men how much balls we single moms have got. Or just show up to watch the festivities, then leave with Miguel as soon as it was time for dinner.

But alas, ten days ago we were all advised that moms, other family members, and caregivers will not be allowed to attend the entire affair. So much for my attempt to prove that I am just as good as any man.

I asked Miguel if he would like Ninong to go with him instead - Ninong is, after all, an alumni of the school - but Miguel's reply was swift, as if he'd settled the matter in his mind long ago: "I don't want to go."

What's a woman to do?

Blame the men.

Yes, this is the part where I blame my ex-boyfriend for not being man enough to bond with my son, so that: a) I wouldn't have dumped him; b) we would've been married by now; and c) he'd be going to the Father and Son Night with Miguel.

Well. I've been down this emotional path before. Many times, mind you. And while the impending Father and Son Night merits a visit down memory lane, I won't take long on this stroll.

There was a video that I watched some time ago wherein the speaker mentioned that "blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort." And that's when I realized why I blamed my ex for so long after I ended the relationship - there was pain, and a lot of it. Basically, me realizing the inadequacies in my life (and subsequently, Miguel's) and wanting to fill a male, testosterone void that I cannot fill. There were many reasons for me to get into a serious relationship at that point, and that, apparently, was a major one.

Well, it's been a few years since I wised up and realized - and accepted - that marriage just isn't for everyone. That there's no point in being unhappy in a relationship when you can be happy without one. (And since I never made any wedding vows to anyone, I'm not defaulting on any deal.)

And as for those inadequacies? Embrace them. You can't have it all, you see. And while I still have my idols and idolesses - married couples who put family first and are pretty cool in my book - I'm not hung over about having their picture-perfect lives. Because looking at my son, I know he's happy and that he's turning out pretty well for a ten-year-old, thanks God. And not surprisingly, I'm happy too.

There, I've said my piece. Enough with that walk down memory lane. As for Father and Son Night, if you read my earlier post, you'll see what we'll be doing instead.