Friday, July 30, 2004


Had a talk with Gai earlier. It seems that I'm easing into my own "mid-life crisis," and it isn't anything but easy. It's just that I miss him. I've never questioned the decisions I've made regarding men in recent years - breaking up with Miguel's dad, cutting all communication, raising my son without him. And I've said no to men before. But that one just keeps haunting me every now and then.

Deal with it, Sands. (So here I am talking to myself like Gollum on my own blog.)

Sometimes I hate having so many principles. But it's so hard to live without them now. Like when I look at my father, then look at my son and tell myself that I don't want him to grow up with all the compromises my father imposed on me. Or when a younger woman would tell me that I'm an inspiration to her because of my strength. Funny that I used to be so weak before, but that now I'm so strong. It's like I can't help but be strong.
I only hope that I'm not too strong for my own good.


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